Well-meaning friends.......

and their off-putting, sometimes misguided take on things..... that was today.

Well........ crap.

Some good news, and some bad news. The good news is, I am already on the path to fixing the bad news. The bad news? Eh.... I had a quasi-parent teacher conference with my daughter's teacher since we are pulling her out. As it would turn out she needs to work on a lot of stuff. Let's just leave it at that. :/

It's Starting to Come Together

I have been frantically retyping the high frequency words from my daughter's first grade class, as well as what I could dig up from her kindergarten class last year, to put away for my other daughter so that I could use it as back up. I guess I am just that kind of person, the over-preparer. It would make sense, considering I am the mom that has been carrying around an instant ice pack in my purse, along with band-aids, and neosporin since I can remember. You know just in case, right? I guess it is a bit silly, I mean if they're bad enough to need an ice-pack I am probably leaving immediately for my home or the urgent care, so I suppose that negates the need for the ice pack. But it makes me feel better. I think all this preparation is in that very same vein.

Meanwhile, the classroom is coming along nicely. I feel like I take too much pleasure in setting this up. It's like that childhood dream of playing school, only with money, and real kids! :D In all seriousness, nothing says, yep, you're really doing this, like the overwhelming amount of crap collected, and in need of sorting and a place all its own! But it is coming along, and I'm feeling good about it!

I also picked up some of the curriculum today, to which I am like a dork at a Star Wars convention! I think I may just enjoy this too much! I have already looked at everything twice.

I told her school today that we were leaving. It was more of the same. You know, the "why's" but the office staff has always been so sweet, and I will miss them. I feel like I am a crazy person, flying by the seat of my pants, but I feel so free. It's perfect really. Adventure seems to agree with me, because I feel like I can do anything, and more importantly I am not afraid to fail, because I have every confidence that I won't! Sometimes you just know, "I can totally do this!", and so you do it. And it rocks.

Two weeks left. I have a sneaking suspicion that these two weeks are going to be pretty interesting to say the least. I have already seen how quickly everything has changed, people, the environment, and each day that passes I feel less and less part of the school she is at now, and more invested in our new adventure. I thought to myself it should be a sad feeling, but it really just feels like it's just about time.

And So It Begins

It has only been slightly less than 24 hours, but it began immediately. I had already had a trial run when trying on the idea of homeschooling a while back. I sought opinions, I talked to everyone, and boy did I ever get responses! So it came as no surprise when this face was everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. It was a sea of doubt, and I had to tread through it. And I thought to my self, "this is what you asked for."

Grateful that I at least was fresh on the heels of my confidence from yesterday, I started telling people. They were going to find out anyway. It was no big secret, and yet I felt so guarded up to this point. You would think I was telling people I was going to surgically implant another eye, so that I could see better, and yet the reaction was still as dramatic. Maybe this was another one of those things that we keep to ourselves. Then again, I had never been any good at that before, being a habitual over-sharer. So there I was, I was explaining away my reasons while keeping an upbeat disposition. An earlier me, would have ran and hid in fetal position at this reaction, but I stood firm until the initial reaction had cleared from their face. Most people never really got past the "I think you're crazy, but you have to do what you have to do" part of the conversation. This was how it went, and with only a few black sheep of exception, whom I love dearly, the reaction was nearly the same among everyone.

Me: "So, we're going to do it! We're going to start homeschooling in 2 weeks"

Other Person: (See above picture )

Me: "I know, but I am really excited about it. I have all these ideas, and I am really looking forward to this new adventure."

Other Person: (take your pick) "Wow! Well, I guess you're braver than me! I couldn't do it!", "I'll be praying for you.", or "Make sure not to burn your bridges so that you can come back. You know..... in case it doesn't work out."

Tough crowd, right? Thanks for your vote of confidence.

It didn't phase me though, but it was clear that people are either very right to be certain of my impending failure at this, or more likely - scared for me. I guess it all comes from the idea of something different. People don't like different. It's not comfortable. You don't have the comfort of the group, the easy fit of the proverbial cog in society's machine. Then there's the "tradition", er rather the warm and fuzzies of knowing what is expected. There is something so lovely about cherishing rites of passage, like the first day of kindergarten, kids games on the playground, the science fair. I would say they are right to feel this way. You have to let go of your ideas of what to expect, and you want to share the things you loved about school with your kids. This means doing things the way they were done for you. Besides, it is scary to go it alone.

It is scary, to branch off from mainstream society, and say publicly, "Hang on a minute. I think I may have a better idea." And the response? "Why would you want to teach your own children? I mean that's crazy, right? Don't you want a break from your kids? They'll drive you crazy!" People would say to you, "Psshaw! That's what teacher's are for!" And I can't judge, I thought the same things before all this. However, I have never truly been mainstream, and I have pictures of me in high school to prove it, ........and an unearthly addiction to candy.

Although I have mellowed quite a lot since then, I can't help but feel like everyone is perfectly comfortable, and I am the princess with a pea. There I am starting to make ripples around me, while society says, "But look at all these pretty graphs, and research. We have developed a multitude of guidelines and procedures as well as invested a wealth of money to discover what you, silly girl, think you can do with your mere pittance of funds and lack of a college degree. It's all very technical, and dates back to the beginning of time. You've only been on this earth 29 years. You're not qualified to do this, which I think you will see if you look here. Our research has shown that all children do better with implementing our newest policies and procedures, as seen here on this page......" and yet, it means nothing to me, because I think to myself, "and somehow everyone survived before your newest information, and did fine."

This is reminiscent of teen angst. I can't let "the man" tell me what to do! In reality I actually have to, since we are governed. I am not advocating for anarchy or anything, but there can be wiggle room, right?

That brings me to where I am. Can't I fulfill the requirements, and follow the rules, but still be me? I'm just asking for wiggle room, because I am a square peg, and though you're full of round holes now, what if you need more square pegs later. I mean none of us know the future, and maybe it's filled with all sort of different shaped holes, and then we'll only have round pegs! But all this is silliness, because we're not pegs.

We're people. Living, breathing, people learn differently, and have different skills, likes, and dislikes. So no matter how deep the sea of faces. I've been here before. This is not the first decision I made where people thought I was nuts, and it won't be the last. Today I can take on the world. Let's just hope tomorrow is not a fetal position kind of day. I'm kind of unpredictable like that. I had better stock up on candy :/

"Oh, Lord! Please just give me a sign."

That's how I had been feeling for quite some time. It was a long series of those moments where your stomach never quite settles, where you never feel just right about the situation. Something is just every so slightly, yet noticeably off. It happens especially in dating, or relationships, where you just know this isn't the right fit no matter how great the intentions are? So you think over your options rationally, discuss it with people whose opinions you value, and try your best to make an informed decision, and that's that. Right?

Well, that's how normal people deal with things. Then there's me. You know, people like me who obsess about every detail, analyze and talk a subject matter to death with whoever will listen, and become nearly emotionally unhinged at the slightest worry over mundane items, like where the homework was misplaced. It's people like me, who can't make decisions easily, and worry like it is a full time job with awesome benefits, and even better over-time pay. You know them, you've met them, and sometimes you love them. I mean every family has at least one, right? Well it's no surprise who it is in our family.

What it really boils down to, for me anyway, is that I never want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's the root for me. Couple that with the irrational feeling that you responsible for everyone's feelings and voila you've got a full-blown neurosis.

I had been going on about my life inflicting my ridiculousness on unsuspecting people, but there's kind of a rule of thumb that you ought to knock that nonsense off when you have kids. So I did my best. You can curb the behavior, but it is never completely gone.

Such is the case when my oldest daughter started first grade. I had been watching TED talks, specifically Ken Robinson on "How Schools Kill Creativity" (http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html) , and his follow up "Changing Education Paradigms" (http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_changing_education_paradigms.html) while my daughter was going into kindergarten. I knew I wanted something different, but I've never gone so against the societal grain, so we did what most parents did. We got all uppity about where our prized belly-fruit should go to school. We looked at private school, and began to weep at the prices. It would seem that only affluent children could afford art, music, technology, and recess.

So we did the next best thing. We concentrated on the school districts? Which schools? What do the test scores look like? Where is the school? I could go on, but I won't because this had a very quick ending. I knew I wasn't thrilled with the idea of the marginalization of our kid in the system, but we have no money, so we had no options. Thus, our child shall attend public school. After all, it was good enough for the likes of her parents, so it's good enough for her. You would think that would be it. Not so! There is still a hierarchy among public schools. So we booked it to the magnet school in our area, and filled out papers, turned in everything on time. We waited, and I called the school's office like an annoying helicopter parent till I heard back. I found out she got in!! Yay. Then I saw why, she was like one in a handful of the minority in our area, so all my planning, and nagging, had really boiled down to the school's need for diversity. Oh well, no biggie.

She started kindergarten, and I loved her teacher, and was ever so happy with the school. Everything was great, life was good, and I was telling everyone I could about this school, and how much I loved it. That is until first grade came.

Goodbye arts, music, and all other things fun, and hello academia! The transition was night and day. The day was significantly longer. They were assigned the latest lunch schedule out of the whole school, because of some silly political thing with trying to raise the fourth grade test scores. They had a fifteen minute recess in which they are supposed to have a snack, use the restroom, and play, then it's back to work. Needless to say, my kiddo hard a rough time adjusting, as did I.

Suddenly I was scared that my new found favorite school had turned into a factory of test scores. Unfortunately that is not too far off from the truth. I began to get the letters about her school as well as the district being in PI (program improvement). Their test scores were falling, and it comes as no surprise since the area we live in filters in a majority of kids who speak predominantly spanish, as well as parents who do not speak english. This will kill test scores for any school, but schools in PI have to allow parents to transfer their kids to get the best education possible, so the scores were never even stable. It didn't matter. Our school was still ahead. Sure it was loads better than the other public schools because they only had twenty-five kids to each teacher, and had a science lab, as well as computer lab, but in reality was it that these things were simply not available to other schools because of the budget cuts? It seemed to me that it was not so much that they had comprehensive science and technology programs, but that they had them at all. So we counted our blessings, and on we went.

Her teacher was wonderful, and despite my growing relationship with her, and my general love of most of the teachers there, I still felt off. That nagging feeling started up, and persisted daily. It was simply the in way the public school system micromanages every aspect of the environment and curriculum. The time and subject matter is micromanaged down to a "t". There's never any time to go back if a student doesn't understand something. I soon began to discover that the schools teach to the test, regardless of comprehension or mastery of the skill. Despite the fact that I had a good relationship with a teacher who cared, and I was volunteering two to three days a week in her class, I was just plain unhappy. My daughter was content to be a wallflower drawing no attention to herself, even if she needed the help, but I sure wasn't okay with that. That's how kids slip through the cracks.

As time went on, I found myself getting angry and annoyed over simple silly things that seemed asinine to me, like a threatening letter home after missed days, even though you had a doctors note, the subsequent fact that it is more likely related to funding. Then there’s the fact that is seemed like the teachers were out five days out of every month for testing, and that they were a science and technology based school, yet their website was archaic and completely unused by the staff and students alike. I wasn't the only one unhappy with a lot of this, but even so everyone kept telling me to give it time. All this did was make me feel like there was something wrong, but what else could I do?

I remember daily running the gambit of walking to school telling myself "it's really not so bad, and every other kid goes here. I mean really, what exactly is my problem? This is the best of the public schools available to me. If I leave and it doesn't work out, then what would I do? Could I get back in? Best to stay where I am." Only to pick my daughter up after school, and want to cry, because it just didn't feel like a good fit.

So ultimately after a whole lot of emotional mess, we decided to check out a charter school that did two days in school, three days home-school. We liked the whole premise, but we're still afraid of the undertaking. We talked it over, and over, and over. Not sure of what to do, we asked around. The reactions were decidedly mixed, but the majority was a face that would best describe "oh, wow, that sounds truly terrifying". We heard a lot of "give it more time" and "home-school will always be there, why not at least stick it out the year?" These were all valid thoughts. So we did give it some time, and I still felt the same way. I was at an impasse.

I couldn't stop worrying about what I should do, so I did what lots of people do when they don't know what to do. I prayed. Well, first I stuck my head in the sand for a few days, then I prayed for guidance, reassurance, anything, but mostly I prayed for a sign.

It had paid off. This morning while we were getting ready for school, my daughter, who we had not really talked to about this whole thing yet, decidedly announced to me "I really want to try home-school." This totally threw me off, as I just happened to have a meeting set up at the new school that morning. As we walked to school we talked at length about it. She seemed really interested. At the meeting my husband and I walked out feeling more confident than ever, We were already certain of our decision, however, I suppose for good measure, God gave me yet another sign. A woman, who I really look up to and love dearly, was in the office when I went in to sign the enrollment sheet. She was excited, because her son had been going there for a while already. She was excited for me. Immediately whatever weight was left had rolled off, I stopped caring what other people thought. I stopped worrying about hurting my daughter's teacher's feelings, and what everyone would say, and started looking forward to the new adventure. That was it. Ask and ye shall receive!